Tuesday, January 25, 2011

#2

#2: A picture is worth more than a blank page. Take out those dusty photo albums. Pick out photo #14.  Count however way you like, but make you sure you stop at photo #14. Look at the photo for 2-3 minutes. Then for 10 minutes, write all of the feelings the photograph made you feel. Don't censor yourself. Just write.

The first thing I thought was, "Damn, I don't know where the photo albums are." I went to look, but there weren't any in the living room. After pacing and wondering what exactly I could use instead, I went upstairs, reached into the depths of my closet, and found an old pack of photos in one of the boxes that I figured would serve my purpose.

#14. It was...well, a little jarring. It was taken when I was maybe 5 or 6. My eyes were bluer than, hair blond and down to my cheeks. I was wearing some hideous red and white striped long-sleeve that I'm pretty sure I loved at the time.

I'm being restrained by my brother, Chris, who must have been about 14 or 15. From the angle the photo was taken, he actually doesn't look much bigger than me. I guess that was before he became gargantuan. His face looks almost exactly the same as it does today, which for some reason comforted me.

Next to us about a foot away is our cousin, Travis. He must have been about 10 or so. I haven't seen him in years, so I don't know if he still looks the same today or not. He's got a funny little gleam in his eye. I always thought he looked mischievous in most of our old family photos, though I never could say exactly why.

It's Christmas, or nearly, because we're all on the floor of the living room and a fully-decked out tree is behind us in the corner, presents and all. I can tell just how dated this is because we're on a carpet, and the living room hasn't had a carpet in years. I forgot we ever had one, honestly. I'm trying to remember when exactly this was taken. I think I recall a massive family-reunion style Christmas at our house way back when. Then again, Travis and Leila didn't live that far away, so maybe it was just us. I remember going to their house a lot. I don't know if we ever spent Christmas there, but I sort of hope so.

I look at Chris and it nearly makes me laugh because we're both smiling and he looks like he's pretending to tackle me, but I'm smiling and looking right at the camera, so it must have just been a "pose tackle," unlike all the other times we'd wrestle (which were hilarious by the way, considering he was always roughly four times my size).

But, as I said earlier, it was kind of jarring. I hadn't exactly forgotten that we had those moments together, but it almost seems like another lifetime. Like I said, I haven't seen Travis in years, despite the fact that I'm pretty sure he lives in the state. Everything kind of changed when Leila died. We didn't really go over to the house anymore, just a few times to help clear out and sort all the stuff. I don't remember seeing Travis at all after that. All I can really remember in the year or so that followed was Mom being periodically very upset. It was a terrible time for her and the entire family, one that's really stuck with me because it was my first real experience with loss. It took me ages to realize that I wouldn't see her again, that we wouldn't have another Christmas with them again in our dated living room on our ugly carpet playing with Koosh balls (which are scattered next to Travis in the photo).

Chris is grown now, too. He's turning 26 in a little over a month. He lives across the country in Seattle and has been out of the house for about 4 years. In fact, almost exactly four years. It was mid-to-late January when he left to join the army. I don't see him much, but the last time was a month ago for Christmas, because I can't really imagine spending a Christmas without him, further evidenced by this photo. Even if it's a hell of a lot harder now, Mom does everything she can to try to get the family together for Christmas. I sure ain't complaining. I love the family, even if it's a little small because people have the rather rude habit of dying or not having kids.

Come to think of it, Chris, Travis, and I were pretty much it for the family kids at the time. There was also my cousin Casey who I never got to see, but she's much older and now has kids of her own who I also never get to see, but I think she still counts as my generation. That's another weird thing about my family, we're so scattered. Mom and Dad's parents are both based in Seattle and the surrounding area, my only surviving aunt on my Mom's side lives in Michigan, my only aunt on my Dad's side lives in Philadelphia, and here we are in New England. Any extended family beyond that scope is pretty much beyond me, honestly.

I guess what jars me about this picture is that what was once a happy and fairly common sight now just...never happens. I don't see Travis anymore, Chris lives across the country, and I'm pretty sure I burned the striped shirt in effigy.

No comments:

Post a Comment